BJ Not BK

Every man comes to a point in life where difficult decisions need to be made, a quasi identity crisis or crossroads of life if you will.  Where the old, the current, and the new intersect then go there separate ways forever.  You cannot stay with the old if you are to survive and you can only hold onto the current for so long before it too is old.  Yet the new does not seem right, does not fit, does not become you.

I found myself at such a crossroad this past weekend.  Yes, I went clothes shopping. 

I am in my mid 30's and I am convinced that there is not a clothing manufacturer out there who makes or designs clothes for guys my age.  The choices are pretty cut and dry.

1.  You can shop at Abercrombie and Fitch and pretend you are still in high-school or that

     you are pledging to Delta Delta Delta.

 or

2.  You can shop at Sears, JC Penney, Brooks Brothers and look like Great Granddaddy
     Calhoun in your seersucker pants, dark socks with flip flops, and high collared shirt.

My wife accompanied me on this quest for clothing and served as my guide through the uncharted territories of the mall.  Like Lewis and Clark we made our way through shop after shop, carefully (and skillfully I might add) avoiding the local savages who lurked behind the counters waiting to pounce on me and my poor fashion decision making skills.

"Sir...Sir!  Would you like to try on our new 87 pocket cargo pants in metal flake purple?"
"No he would not...can't you see this man is too old for such garb?  Besides, you already have 19 pairs of cargo pants that you never wear."

That's my honey.
Then I hear the words that all men fear...."let's go to the Gap."

I have consulted other men my age for advice who seem as perplexed as me.  What is there suggestion?  Go the "athletic route."  This is comprised of terry cloth sweat suits, matching top and bottom with a wife beater on underneath.  Who am I Tony Soprano?  Kfed?  I don't think so.  Although I would appreciate it if you would purchase my new gangsta rap album slated to drop in stores on December 25.

So I am stuck in this magical, mysterious land of in-between wanting not to dress too young or too old. 

Can anyone help?  Any advice here?  At least give a brother some Turkish delight to help ease my pain and please don’t forget to buy my gangsta rap album slated to drop in stores on December 25.

I haven't taken a bath in 30 years.  Let me clarify that statement...I take showers.  The whole concept of the bath is kooky and arcane if you ask me.  It's kind of like a stinking man soup where you steep in your own funk and then get out and dry off.  For me the shower is the way to go. 

I suppose you could call me a purist when it comes to my showers.  No poofs, no pumice, just thousands of gallons of scalding hot water, and a bar of dial soap.  For some reason I have never come to appreciate the washcloth?  Is that TMI?  I shave in the shower using a fog free mirror that is always fogged up. 

But am I missing out on not taking a bath?  I do remember my mom making me bubble baths when I was a kid.  Who didn't wear a bubble beard or bubble gloves?  I also remember the endless supply of bath toys, scuba divers, sponge letters, and a fleet of boats all within an arm's reach ready to launch into action upon my command.  Have you ever experienced the power of commanding a fleet of toy bath boats?

I suppose there is a time in every man's life when the transition from playing in the bathtub to actually bathing takes place but I can't remember mine. 

Maybe I am just waxing nostalgic and the real reason I don't take baths any more is that it takes 30 minutes to fill up the tub, the water gets cold too quick, and we don't have any bubble bath in the house. 

Who knows, maybe this weekend I'll go out and pick up some Mr. Bubbles.  After 30 years maybe it's time to take a bath?

I was over it before it began. M and I were out driving yesterday and almost all of the stations were playing Christmas music. The weather was cold and overcast, houses along the streets were decorated, L sat in the back laughing all in all a really good day to be out and to be alive. Then it happened. Out of nowhere it came at us over the air waves. Something more hideous and tragic than you might imagine...a new Christmas song!

I am a big fan of the "classic" Christmas songs, Silent Night, O holy night, Jingle Bells, Blue Christmas, White Christmas, Santa Bring my Baby back to me, Rocking around the Christmas Tree, Christmas Time by Alvin and the Chipmunks and so on.

I like new versions of the classics performed by Elvis, Chris Isaak, and almost any other artist who wants to put out a record around the holidays but please, please do not try and write a new Christmas song and for heaven's sake don't ever play it on the radio!

I revert back to the incident yesterday. As I said, me and my family were accosted without warning, without notice. The radio was up as we had just finished enjoying the previous song when out of nowhere the notes and lyrics filled the cabin of the car. Some man was singing about how he was at the mall, out of money, and Christmas wouldn't be the same because he couldn't buy Johnny a red train or something hokey like that. I don't want to hear some singer crying about crowded malls, late shipping from Amazon, or no parking places this year for Christmas. I don't want to know what Johnny will or will not be getting or why Sally has been such a brat. I don't care to hear about a Middle Eastern Christmas in the desert or about a lack of a white Christmas due to greenhouse effects and the capitalist pigs who have created it.

All I want for Christmas is the classic songs about faith, family, and fun, no politics, no dot com, no materialism just good family music.

Now I do like the song the 12 pains of Christmas. Click on the link and enjoy!

http://lightoflove.net/12PainsOfCmas.htm

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of all, second to the celebration of our Lord's birth, and there are several Thanksgiving day traditions that we always do that make this a special day with our family.

The day started early for me, my uncle-in law, and his son.  We rose at 6:30 and made our way downtown to the annual Autumnfest 8k road race (about 5 miles).  I started running this race back in 1997 and have made just about everyone since.  It is great to get in a good workout early in the morning.  I always feel relaxed and ready to eat after the run.  Each year about 600 people participate so there is always a large crowd.  Several people dress as Indians or pilgrims which adds to the atmosphere.  My goal this year?  1. To finish and 2. To run it as fast or faster than last year, 47 minutes.  What was my time?  42 minutes!  I was pleased to have improved.

Next stop, my great grandmother's house at 11:30.  We usually have a large crowd here, 25-35, and it give us all a chance to catch up with my mother's side of the family.  We ended up leaving there around 2:30.

The main event!  My wife's parent's house.  This is where it all happens.  First we start off with the food.  M's mom begins Tuesday and cooks until early morning on Thursday, turkey, sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, mash potatoes, green beans, gravy, bread, corn, salad, pumpkin, and pecan pies...yummy!  This year we had about 35 people or so join us.  Some where family, extended family, and friends.  The living room was cleared and filled with tables.  At each setting there was a note card with scripture reminding each of us to give thanks and glory to God.

After lunch it's time for flag football.  That's right.  This is a time honored and cherished tradition that began about 11 years ago.  My father in-law has a large back yard.  He mows the playing area very low and then marks the field with field paint.  Years ago we purchased orange cones to mark off the end zones, the sidelines, and the 50 yard line.  We each wear flag belts and for those who can't or don't want to play we always ask them to be our line judge, calling fouls, marking the ball, etc. 

This year we had 9 on one team and 10 on the other so the field was very crowded.  The night before I had put together my own playbook with 15 specific plays.  I laminated the cards and put them on a ring for easy access.  My only problem was that I had designed each play for 6-7 people not 10!

The teams were evenly matched.  I was the captain of one team, Joe Napalm was the captain of the other team (you will have to check Son of Liberty's site to make sure both our stories jive with the other).

Our team took the kickoff but failed to score on the opening drive.  Joe's team took possession and drove the field to score 1-0.  Our rules are fairly simple.  Each score is 1 point.  On defense you can blitz once every four downs and to make a first down you have to make 2 completed forward passes.

We received the kickoff then drove down to score and tie the game up 1-1.  Both teams scored again with a 2-2 tie.  The sun began to go down and the air began to turn a little bit cooler and what ensued for the next hour was all defense as neither team was able to put together any offense.  We had the ball on our own 20 yard line then threw an interception.  We held Joe's team and recovered the ball only to throw another interception.  We intercepted a pass from Joe only to turn the ball over on downs.

Finally Joe put together a drive with a pass to N that placed them on the 10 yard line.  The last play of the game was a sweep to the left and a touchdown to win the game.

Joe won 3-2.  Today we will present the coveted Wal-mart trophy to Joe along with bragging rights for 2006-2007.

What a day it was!  Gotta run now as I have to begin putting my strategy together and designing my plays for next year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  Please take time out today, tomorrow, this weekend to get away to a quiet place and count all of your blessings.  I realize that you may be going through some difficult times and that it may be hard to count any blessings at all right now but just think of all that we have been entrusted with, what God has gifted us with.....glory be!  Here are just a few things I am thankful for:

1.  My wonderful wife and daughter, as well as the new baby on the way.
2.  We have a roof over our head and food on the table.
3.  We have a close family on my wife's side.
4.  Running water, heat, AC.
5.  Knowing that the biggest problem I would ever face, my largest obstacle of all has been
     solved and cleared....read here.
6.  You!  thank you for reading bj not bk.

Now get off the computer and go eat some more turkey.

Blessings!

Ask your doctor, ask your doctor, please won't you just ask your doctor!  And so goes the onslaught of Pharma advertising.  Uninvited into our homes, interrupting the game, the show, dare I say Dancing with the Stars?  Not that there is anything wrong with that!

And those commercials are so vague aren't they?  The interesting thing is that they usually have some of the same components:

1.  Healthy looking people smiling
2.  Someone somewhere doing Yoga
3.  Someone is always wearing glasses
4.  Everyone is dancing

"Ok doc.  I want a prescription for Viagra."
"What?"
"That's right.  I saw on the commercials how people who take it can dance better.  I can't dance and want to.  It's my right to dance.  Don't I have a right to dance Doc?  Now give me the prescription!"

We are instructed to "ask our doctor about...." everything.  I am sure the doctor's are getting tired of the barrage of questioning:

"Do I need naxoflavin doc?"
"No, that's for invalid dogs."
"How about riboflaxafil?"
"Nope, that's for elderly ladies who have had their spleen removed."
"Gotcha...ok, I got it... how about stratofotoxlenapinzire?"
"Uh, you just made that one up."
"Darn!"

Whatever happened to me telling my doctor what is wrong and then he diagnosing me?  We now have a drug for any problem, and situation.  Our kids are medicated, our parents are medicated.  We take drugs to pep us up and drugs to bring us down.  We need help sleeping and during the day we seek out means to keep us awake.  We are a heavily medicated society, not that there is anything wrong with that.

I am sure each of us will reach for something or ask for something from our doctor over the next couple of weeks/months. 

As for me?  I'm out of here.  I have a banging headache and need to go find some nogginreleaseathepressurein.  Ask you doctor about it.  I am sure he would be glad to hear from you!

It starts today.  I am getting a hair cut, short buzz, no more gel, no more hair dryer.  It begins this morning no more moisturizer no more hand lotion.  Metro is out......I am bringing the retrosexual back.

As a sales professional I am expected to be a symbol of success, an icon of fashion, a well groomed, well mannered man.  Not intimidating, not threatening, not testosterone filled as nature intended.  Well that all stops today.  You see today marks day 1 of a week long holiday vacation.  I don't have to shave if I don't want to and there is no suit required.  I threw my poof away, the pumice stone has been smashed, and I will be bathing only with Lava Boy soap or whatever detergent I can find under the sink...anything that is manly and hurts.

The tame sales guy is transformed during this week into rough, adventurous, maniacal, hairy man thing that answers to no one....well no one except my wife, daughter, mom, and relatives as we gather this week for Thanksgiving celebrations....but other than that I am man....hear me roar.

I may even let my back hair grow out just out of spite.

I'm brining retro back and boy does it feel good!

I cannot remember the time when my drawer did not contain underwear.  My mind can't wrap itself around the concept.  I know not whence it came from nor do I care. I awoke to the world one day conscious of all that was around me and there they were, clean, folded, tight and white. No colors, no stripes, no drama and for the most part that has how it has always been.

Men do not buy underwear and as a rule we never throw them away. I know there are some guys out there right now reading this who have shorts that date back to the early 80s.  These simple, protective articles of clothing become apart of us, a piece of man history long after the waistband has lost all elasticity.  Our shorts usually decompose before we throw them away.  The material becomes so threadbare, the holes so many, that they eventually turn to dust.

"Honey....have you seen my underwear?  I set them on the counter here a minute ago.  No?  Oh wait....where did all this dust come from?"

What about all the new underwear that arrives just in time?  Mothers, wives, all trained in logistics and supply chain management create a seamless underground underwear stocking system so that we are always equipped with what we need when we need it.

To all the mothers and wives out there who have kept us stocked over the years I salute you!
Just please, don't try to slip in something out of the ordinary into the supply while we are not watching.  No silks, no animal prints, nothing skimpy.  Remember....tight and white.

Have a great weekend everyone and thank you for visiting and reading BJ not BK this week.

 

The nightly news is rampant with images of protestors lining the streets day after day in the Middle East, protesting the war in Iraq, protesting against the west, against materialism, against Israel, against panty hose (ok...so I get the panty hose thing).

 

These gathering often have several recurring themes or components as follows:

1. Gas and American Flags with burning, lots of flag burning.
2. Yelling, lots and lots of yelling.
3. Posters of ugly bearded dudes printed on nice, glossy paper.
4. People holding up the Koran, open to a page, pointing to text I can't read.

Have you ever wondered?

1. Where do they get all those flags?

"Hassan, you live in such a luxurious mansion. How is this so? What does your father do for a living?"

"My father is an American flag salesman."

2. Who does all of their printing? Does Iran have a FedEx/Kinkos?
3. Does everyone in the Middle East carry their Koran with them everywhere they go or  

    is there some pre-protest planning involved?
4. What does the text say that they point to? Kill whitey?

I have a theory when it comes to conspiracy theories sort of a conspiracy theory theory if you will and it goes something like this…..The more complex, the more absurd, the more beyond rational belief the theory is the more likely people will believe in the conspiracy and if you add Elvis to the mix then people will be more apt to spread it over the internet via chat rooms, myspace, blogs, and millions of unwanted emails all in an attempt to inform others of the truth and to warn family and friends of upcoming danger and potential gain of millions of dollars.

 

Here is my own creation:

 

Saddam Hussein was recently sentenced to be executed for crimes against humanity.  Ken Lay was recently sentenced to prison for fraud against shareholders but “died” if you believe that before he served his first day.  Bruce Lee died in an unexplained manner as did Jim Morrison and Elvis. 

 

Saddam Hussein will be “executed” but it will be a staged event.  W, in conjunction with top key oil executives, Halliburton, and Cheney will rescue the fallen dictator and remove him to a remote island in the Caribbean. This will allow W to run Iraq via a puppet government and sell off all the oil in an effort to purchase Sammy Sosa back to the Texas Rangers. 

 

Ken Lay is still alive and is using all of the pilfered funds from Enron investors to finance the island where Elvis is holding karate lessons with Jim Morrison and Bruce Lee.  

 

Now please pass this along to all of your family, relatives, and co-workers within the next 30 minutes in order to claim your $50,000.00, receive great luck, and long life.

 

If you don’t then the a network of 500 Hammas terrorists will descend upon your home town.  How do I know?

 

I read it on the internet.  

That’s right, you heard correctly no need fighting it anymore.  Everyone, I mean everyone you know, you, your mom, dad, cousins, uncles, aunts, cousins twice removed, boss, in-laws, your co-workers, milkman, postman, garbageman, UPS man all are gay.  You see their relationships, their marriages, all shams.  All a mass, unspoken conspiracy to really hide the fact that they are all gay, not that there is anything wrong with that.  

 

I write all of this as an afterthought.  It seems I can’t go a day without hearing or reading, or watching someone come out of the closet.  Just last week Doogie Howser M.D. announced that he was a gay man living life to the fullest.  Oh great!  Next your going to tell me that the guy who played Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings is Gay…..not that there is anything wrong with that. 

What is so wrong about staying in the closet?  I mean it's warm, dark, cozy.  Why come out?  To be honest we never knew you were in there to begin with.  To be blunt we weren't even looking for you.  

 

My take on it is pretty simple….it doesn’t matter and I don’t care (it actually does matter and I do care) but the point I want to make is this……no one wants to hear the sordid details of your private life gay or not…not that there is anything wrong with that.

 

“Hi, my name if BJ not BK and I am a heterosexual male who likes red meat and Hemingway novels.  I like long walks on the beach and holding my wife tenderly by the mangrove trees.”  Who cares? 

 

My point is this.  Don’t let your sexuality dictate every facet of your life not that there is anything wrong with that. 

Everyone might be gay but I don’t see very many happy people. 

 

 

The middle name is the red headed step-child of the English language. Often hidden, rarely revealed, this seldom used, seldom seen name sandwiched between first and last seems irrelevant in almost every situation. You may have often wondered,

"What in the world were my parents thinking? Why would anyone give their child a middle name like Montana?"

The middle name is an enigma, a kind of afterthought for most parents. Usually the naming of a child goes something like this,

Husband: "I love the name _______."
Wife: "That is a horrible name! I once knew a ___________ he was a monster. How about ________?"

NOTE TO READER: Even though the suggestion by the wife is posed as a question beware! For it is not. This is a dangerous trap not easily escaped once sprung that should be avoided at all costs. This is really what experts refer to as a "softened command."

So the first name is chosen and the last name is a given, all that is left is the middle name. Now depending on your choice of a first name the middle name will act as either a strengthening agent or as comic relief to a serious name as it links all names together to tag/scar you for life.

Example of a name needing some comic relief:

Genghis Khan, quite arguably one of the meanest toughest guys to ever walk the planet. With a name like Genghis Khan do you expect anything less than a vicious warrior?
Actual Middle name: Stacey
Genghis Stacey Khan

See how the middle name softens and adds just the right tinge of comic relief to an extremely otherwise serious name?

Here are a couple of other examples you may not be aware of:
Adolf Eugene Hitler
Osama Bin Christmas Ladden (friends often tease him by calling him Krissy).

Middle names that lend strength usually come in one of two ways:
1. First name used deceptively as a middle name - Michael Thomas
2. Middle name in the form of an initial only

Either way their comes a time in each child's life when the middle name is realized and then immediately hidden from the rest of the world for as long as possible.

If you are seriously looking for a new name here are a few name generators you might find enjoyable. Let me know what your new names are.

http://www.fadetoblack.com/namegenerator/ This one generates your new African name.
http://www.chriswetherell.com/hobbit/ This one generates your new hobbit name.
http://www.xach.com/misc/jedi.html This one generates your new Jedi name.

I would love to hear your new names.

“This just in……in a recent poll of left handed albino flutists born in Idaho 72% approve of dental floss while only 18% approve of the President’s handling of the War in Iraq.”

 

Against my better judgment I watched some of the election coverage last night.  Who are these “reporters” anyway?  Are they really reporting the news or are they creating news to report?  In the short 30 minutes or so that I watched I counted at least 75 references to polls taken during this election.  Exit and entry polls, Democrat and Republican polls, independent polls, secret polls, polls on W’s job approval, polls on Senator Kerry’s haircut.  If the question could be asked it was and believe me there was someone to report on it, to “get the scoop” before anyone else.

 

I can appreciate news outlets wanting to keep their viewing audiences informed and up to date but when is enough enough?  I listened for 15 minutes as some guy gave his analysis….

 

“In Virginia we asked voters if they preferred big dogs over small dogs with an overwhelming 2% showing a strong leaning toward either big dogs, or no dogs.  An even smaller percentage opted for the small dogs if a small dog was forced upon them via machine gun or if a handbag came with the dog the sort of bag that Paris Hilton might carry her dog in from time to time.  This clearly is a mandate on the administration’s handling of both foreign policy and stem cell research.  You see the US is the big dog while the little dog represents……”

 

“In TN we show Ford leading in the exit polls by 50% and Corker trailing by 55%.”

 

“Excuse me Juan but those figures don’t add up correctly.”

 

“Look, I report, you decide.  That’s how this is suppose to work right?”

 

With so many polls, so many statistics, so many guesses how can they keep all the numbers straight?  I wonder if any of this poll dancing influences the election?  Are non-voters sitting at home screaming,

 

“Honey!  Grab the kids!  Load up the truck!  They just said that we could all be forced to take a small dog if we don’t vote!”

 

I report….you decide.

 

 

This week has been very busy, I know, I know it's only Tuesday but hear me out.  I haven't flown in several years.  My job doesn't require much travel and when I do travel it is mostly by car.  Monday however was the exception.  You see my company began a sales force wide presentation contest and I had the unfortuna...I mean the opportunity to advance to the third round of the contest which meant hopping on 2 different flights to a far away location, presenting for 30 minutes, then hopping on 2 more flights back home all in the same day.  In the words of Austin Powers...."and I'm spent."

Let me just say that I had long forgotten the joys of flying and in case you have forgotten here are a list of my favorite things about flying:

1.  High prices for parking, food, and drinks. 
2.  Taking my shoes off to clear security checkpoints.  I always dreamed of wearing a suit and
     walking barefoot through the airport.
3.  Body cavity searches....enough said.
4.  Irritated, pushy travelers.
5.  Sitting on the tarmac waiting to take off for 30 minutes in a plane full of mouth breathers.
6.  Turbulence
7.  1.2 ounces of soda to wash down a bag of salty pretzels
8.  Free barf bags
9.  The thought that my seat can be used as a flotation device.
10. Knowing that the plane could crash if my seat were in the reclined, instead of the upright
      position.

Did I mention I'm glad to be home?

    I had the pleasure of traveling for work today so please let this post serve as my out of office notice.

See you tomorrow.