As part of giving back to the community I bring you the following public service announcement (and because the court ordered me to 1027 hours of community service for clubbing a baby seal and then using it's blubber to make candles).
Ever notice how well off we Americans are? We have big buildings, big cars, big states like Texas, and big hair so why go small when it comes to pets? One of my greatest pet peeves are is when people deceive themselves with what I call faux-pets, you know, pets that aren't really pets. As an expert who once read a book that had pictures of animals in it let me explain myself and educate you on the finer points of what is and what is not a pet.
1. Only dogs are pets. I could stop here and I am sure everyone would agree with me but please, let me continue.
2. Only dogs that weigh more than 10lbs are pets. Small dogs are not pets, they are food for larger dogs
3. Everything else is a rodent that should be exterminated, eaten, or wiped from the face of the planet.
Here is a list I have compiled to help you identify if something is a pet or not, please feel free to print out and to post as a friendly reminder.
Does it weigh more than 10lbs? Yes
Is it a dog? No - this is not a pet
How did I come up with this ingenious methodology you ask? Quite simple you might say. It looks something like this to the untrained professional. Pets are any animal that has the ability to look like it is displaying emotion apart from anger. Dogs show humility by crouching and begging, they show excitement through jumping and wagging their tales, and they show boredom by cleaning....never mind.
Cats, pigs, birds, fish are not pets. Pigs, birds, and fish all fall under the "please eat me" category while cats mostly fall under the "wipe from the face of the planet" category except in China where they too fall under the "please eat me" category.
Anyone who owns a tarantula, lizard, hissing roach, praying mantis, hermit crab, or other "exotic" animal is either educated via the public school system or just plain dumb. I never want to have the following conversation, "Hey Bill wanna catch a movie?"
"I would love to bro but I have to walk my hermit crab this evening. I have promised him all week I would take him out. You know, throw the Frisbee with him."
Long awkward silence...followed by me hanging up and never calling Bill ever again as long as I live.
The only exception to the pet rule or should I say law? Is the pet rock.