BJ Not BK

Time for another installment of random sarcasm, photos, and personal updates from the mind of bjnotbk.

Breaking news just out of Rome this morning... Vatican Adds Seven New Deadly Sins Including Abortion, Contraception and Drug-Dealing [ link ] Just 14 deadly sins? And here I was foolishly thinking that scripture states all sin is deadly and that the penalty for all sin is death. Boy am I glad this has been cleared up!

I am continually amazed at cell phone talkers and their inability to recognize that 1. they are in a public place carrying on a private conversation 2. the technology has advanced somewhat in recent years so it is not necessary to yell into the phone and 3. no one and I mean no one cares to listen in on your conversation. I must fully disclose that I own a cell phone, I use my phone, and I often use my phone while driving, while shopping, while in public places but I try very hard to follow some simple rules. 1. I never, never talk about body functions, recent trips to the doctor, or foul odors in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I was in a shop the other day and right beside me a lady began going into great detail how taking a certain vitamin impacted her body in ways I wont dare share here. I was in shock as she clearly saw me there beside her and had no disdain for my personal space or my stomach. I left the area immediately and haven't been able to eat or sleep for several days...

12 days left until Christmas and I can't get that song out of my head. Have you ever wondered how much a maid milking would run you? Or what about just one lord a leaping? Wonder no more. PNC [ link ] has done the math for you. 23rd Annual PNC Christmas Price Index UP 3.1 % Rising Wages For Milkmaids, Higher Commodity Prices Lead Increases - Cost of “Twelve Days of Christmas” Song Items Reflect Consumer Pricing Trends - PITTSBURGH, Nov. 26, 2007 –The significantly higher price of gold and increased compensation for minimum wage workers will make Christmas more expensive this year, according to the PNC Christmas Price Index. The tongue-in-cheek economic analysis by PNC Wealth Management is based on the cost of gifts in the holiday classic, “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” According to the 23rd annual survey, the cost of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is $19,507 in 2007, a 3.1 percent increase over last year. The rise in gift prices mirrored the U.S. government’s Consumer Price Index...

Necessity is the mother of invention so they say, whoever "they" is? Why is it that we give so much credibility to "they"? Anyway, most major inventions like the microwave, the internet, and Tang all evolved out of a desperate need. The microwave out of man's need to cook his food really fast enabling lesser beings, weaker individuals to bypass Darwin's survival of the fittest mumbo jumbo and get to the food quicker thus enabling the lesser, weaker males to find trophy wives. The internet was invented out of man's need to receive 3.6 million spam messages a day, thus creating a false sense of self worth and boosting man's esteem and Tang was invented out of the necessity of man wanting to drink a really, really, nasty tasting orange powdery drink instead of orange juice. What else is there left to praise you ask? What about the second greatest invention of all time....the first being the George Foreman grillerator....the gift bag. I can't think of...

Evolutionary biologists, cultural anthropologist, and devout Darwin followers everywhere have searched for years for the "missing" link, that one piece of evidence that would clearly show and prove a transition from one specie to another in the evolutionary chain. I believe I have found such the link and I call it chicken. Think through this one with me and hang tight because I think you too will be swayed with my powerful arguments and evidence. You see my theory does not rely on silly trivial matters such as geological, fossil, or physical evidence, no, my theory comes directly from taste. I propose that everything, men, women, dogs, plants, mammals, reptiles, insects, all come from one common ancestor....chicken and it looks something like this. Rattlesnake tastes like chicken. Roaches tastes like chicken. Gator tastes like chicken. Salmon....tastes like gamey chicken. Baby, endangered seal, tastes like chicken. Spotted owl....you got it chicken. Buffalo wings taste like chicken...

Ours is a society filled with wussies, wimps, softies, touchy feelies, people who can't stand confrontation, adversity.....wait just a minute, I need to adjust my seat cushion, my tushy hurts.....where was I? Oh yeah, we are a people who don't want trials, can't stand trials, and when we encounter others with trials we don't know how to handle the situation. Usually we do one of two things: 1. A friend shares a deep problem with you. You respond by running as far away you possibly can. You avoid their calls, emails, singing telegrams, carrier pigeons, and so on. You can't bear any bad news and all you can think about is how to make it right. 2. Option two is more common. You say something stupid and oh boy! The conversation usually goes something like this: "Yeah, we took our baby to the doctor yesterday and they told us she has some issues with sleeping. Can you please just pray for us that God will give us strength and energy during this time?" Response...

My wife was working her way through one of the magazines we receive here at the bjnotbk compound when she stopped, "Come check this out." She motioned me over. Together we read through a multi page advertisement for cleaning products that are certified "green." Yep, a whole new category of products to help us remove the guilt of destroying mother earth. I read through the piece carefully. Most of the buzz words were non-toxic, odor free, and environmentally safe. No thanks. Have you seen my shower lately? My only goal when purchasing cleaning products is to remove and to destroy the very environment that has taken residence in my home. If I can't smell it, if every hair in my nose has not been singed and my lungs aren't burning, then it must not be working. If I don't have to wear a hazmat suit and a respirator chances are it won't touch, let alone cut the funk that happily calls our bathtub home. No, our household cleaners have to come with their own...

I am a parent of two wonderful children. I understand many of the challenges parents face regarding discipline. You have to understand each child, their strengths, their weaknesses. You have to be able to read cues, is my child acting out because of surroundings, lack of sleep, or are they hungry? Or could it be that they are being disobedient? I am a big fan of disciplining your child (and I am not solely referring to spanking, although I do believe that spanking is a necessary part of disciplining) this means involvement with your child, teaching your child, talking with your child, establishing authority and order with your child. I also understand that there are times as a parent when you will have to correct behaviors, teach, and instruct in public places....I have no problem with this either. One thing however grates on my nerves and that is a parent who instructs via yelling. You have all witnessed it. You are at a restaurant, the mall, Wal-Mart, and there is little Johnny climbing...

I don’t get mail much. No one writes personal letters or cards much anymore. Sure, there are the Christmas cards, but nothing overly personal, nothing to make you feel really special, cared about, thought about. I don’t know what it is but there is something exciting about the mail. Maybe it is the possibilities, maybe it is the unknown? What will be brought today? Unfortunately most of my mail these days consists of pre-approved credit card and home mortgage notices. We do get the occasional Pottery Barn catalog as well as our monthly Runner’s world and Christianity Today subscriptions but other than that not much to talk about. What really gets me going these days are how crafty the bulk mailers are getting. You know, the envelopes that look like tax returns, or the ones with the print that is suppose to look like someone hand wrote the address? If you aren’t’ to careful you could just get sucked into believing that someone, somewhere sent you a note. You could for just one brief moment...

If you are a pit bull owner then this post is not for you. If you are a pit bull breeder then this post is not for you. If you know someone who once owned a pit bull then this post is not for you and if you are a pit bull then this post is not for you. All pure bred dogs are just that...bred and certain traits are focused on such as the retriever who is bred to retrieve and the pit bull who is bred to stop speeding trains with it's face. Breeders select those traits they want to isolate, traits that are to be desired in the breed, then pass on to future generations for specific purposes. For example the basset houd. Squatty, low to the ground, long, long tail...what's it all for? To kill us with cuteness? Not quite. These dogs were used to hunt and their shape was selectively bred to chase game into holes, tight quarters. What about that tail? Well, that was used so that the hunters could grab the end and pull the dog back and so on and so forth. Now enter pit bull stage right...

Looks like Michael Vick is innocent after all I mean.....What? What's that you say? Oh....he pleaded guilty? Hmmm....Looks like Michael Vick is not so innocent after all after his recent plea agreement with the prosecution. This morning a news article was released [ link ] stating that at least 50 pit bulls were seized on Vick's property and that they will be euthanized unless someone calls and claims them. Let's walk through how that might work..... "Hello, FBI agent Maloney speaking." "Yes, I was involved with an illegal, felony, dog fighting ring with Michael Vick and I see here in the paper where you are trying to locate the rightful owners of the dogs. Can I come by and get cupcake?" "Sure, come on over. " "Great! I've got three fights I have to make this weekend and I will need cupcake there. Oh, can you groom her for me?" "Sure I will personally make sure cupcake is groomed and ready before you get here." "Oh...

The wife and I sat down last night and watched the first half of the Giants/Ravens pre-season game. Does anyone really care about pre-season NFL? What is the point in watching the first team take three snaps before putting in all the reserves? I know, I know it’s football and that should be enough reason to watch but I just can’t get behind games where the talent is sub-par, in terms of the league, and the games don’t carry any meaning. However, watching the game did make me wonder. How great would it be if every profession had a pre-season? Imagine coming into the office. You’ve got your best Brooks Brother suit on, your power tie, and your leatherette briefcase. You sit down, read three emails when your boss steps in: “Alright champ that’s a wrap for you today. Nice form, nice fundamentals, great work.” “But boss, I can take another email…I know I can.” “Can’t do it sport, it’s way too risky this early into the season.” Reluctantly you head to the break room for more coffee and donuts...

I think, after 30 plus years, I have finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. At one point I was convinced being an astronaut was the path but several people have told me that I am no rocket scientist and I just can't get past the whole diaper thing. No, I am sure that when I grow up I want to be a doctor and here are the reasons. 1. Big diplomas - Have you ever been into your doctor's private office? The walls are covered with diplomas the size of small projection screens complete with fancy gold seals and signatures that can't be read. 2. Lab coats - There is something very cool about a white, pristine lab coat and clipboard. In fact, I now write all my posts dressed in tan slacks, light blue dress shirt, Brooks Brother bow tie, and my freshly pressed lab coat. 3. Latex gloves - I have always wanted to enter a room and snap on one of those gloves for dramatic effect. I can't really do that in my current job, I mean, I guess I could but not sure it would go over...

I just finished 3 hours of yoga and am now sipping on my mocha international foods coffee. In the background I have a motivational speaker playing and I have moved my office furniture to one side of the room in an effort to bring balance to the force, feng shui to my life, peace to my fevered mind. It is Monday and instead of ranting, raving I am offering an olive branch for this one day to the blogosphere. Enjoy it while it lasts.